


Fic: Marks in the sand (STXI, AU, NC-17)

by spockalicious



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek AU - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Grief, Loss, M/M, Mental/Emotional Trauma, POV Third Person Omniscient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-23
Updated: 2012-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 00:31:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/325808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockalicious/pseuds/spockalicious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of reality, perception and a question of sanity for Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fic: Marks in the sand (STXI, AU, NC-17)

He sees him in the distance.

The sun is shining and it is warm. There is a breeze that blows consistently in his face and the noise in his ears is comforting. The sea is brown green and laps white froth against dark rock covered in weed. The brown weed is slick under his boots and the pods pop water when he treads on them. The green weed is flat and sticky and smooth like velvet when he runs his finger over it. He likes the smell of the salt in air.

He sees him waving.

The rocks are difficult to walk on, they wobble and are very slippery. His eyes pick out the best route, the easiest route, seeking the patches of flat sand. There is slick grey mud in between the rocks too. His boots get sucked down. He has to clamber on all fours to reach the large open sand patch. He does. He walks then, his eyes on the sand. He is fascinated by the miniature rivers of water running down to the waters edge. He stands for a while examining the sand as the water carves snaking shapes.

He sees him closer now.

The rocks are bigger, carved into slabs of grey. He can climb them easily. There are pools trapped by the outgoing tide, the water is clear and he can see small creatures in them. He doesn’t know what the creatures are. He looks up. He studies the smiling face, the blue eyes, the blonde hair. He looks down at his attire. He wears shorts too. They are dressed almost the same.

They play.

He is content. He does not want to be anywhere else.

He is handed a stone, a yellow one. He puts it in his pocket and offers a shell. It is accepted.

They build dams out of small stones at the edges of the rock pools. They like the peace of the sound of lapping waves and the trickle of water from the ponds. They like looking at the creatures in the ponds and make up names to give them. They take off their boots and stand bare foot in the pools. The water is warmed by the sun and feels good. They hold hands. They sit quietly next to each other and hardly ever speak. There is no need.

He is happy and does not want to leave.

……………..

The room is cold.

He watches the rain falling outside the window and can see only sky and nothing else. The white painted concrete window sill is cold to the touch. So are the bars he wraps his fingers around. He runs his nail across the thick over layers of paint on the bars. His head aches.

There are unpleasant noises that come from the other rooms. People cry. People scream sometimes. There is the sound of an electronic security door that opens and closes. He doesn’t like that sound. He always listens to the footsteps. He is always waiting for the door to the room to open. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t.

The drugs they give him make his mouth itch and become sore. He often wants to drink but there isn’t anything to drink unless they bring it to him. The food is unpleasant. They make him eat meat. He tells them he is vegetarian but they do not listen. It upsets him. He gets angry. They restrain him.

The doctor doesn’t listen to him. He tells the doctor his name is Spock. He tells the doctor this almost every day. He thinks the doctor finds it amusing. He doesn’t understand humour, it is difficult for him to grasp. The doctor keeps telling him that he is not well. He tells the doctor he doesn’t need any more medication. The doctor disagrees. He thinks the doctor is illogical. The doctor leaves then.

He is unhappy and he wants to leave.

…………

He goes to the beach every day.

The sun is always shining and the smell of the sea is calming.

He walks down the steep hill to the beach. He looks over the grey stone wall that runs along side the path down to the beach below. He can see him. He waves. Sometimes he receives a wave back and it makes him feel good. Sometimes he doesn’t receive a wave back but that makes him feel good too.

He climbs over the rocks. He knows the best route now. He knows the shapes of the rocks to follow. He has built a map in his mind. He knows where the sand is and where the sticky deep mud is. He avoids the sticky mud. He doesn’t like the smell of it.

They hold hands when they meet. One day he hugged him. He hugged back. It felt good, like the sun was on the inside of him. Warm.

They walk together. He watches him dragging the large fork behind him across the sand leaving four line trails. They hold hands then and walk dragging the fork together. They walk around and around drawing shapes in the sand. Sometimes there are stones in the sand and they go around them with the fork leaving lines. Sometimes the fork goes over the tops of the stones making a tackle-tackle noise.

They stand together watching the sea. Sometimes they just watch each other. The sky is large and the world seems without an edge and the wind blows constantly warm. They sit with their arms around each other. They are happy. He kisses him on the cheek and it tastes salty and warm. He is kissed back and the smile is warm and salty.

He doesn’t want anything else.

………….

He cries.

There is a terrible pain inside him. He doesn’t know where is comes from but it is always there. It makes him cry. He tries not to. He doesn’t want to show. He doesn’t want them to see.

He places his head against the cold white wall of the small empty room and cries. He is very quiet. His chest feels tight and his head hurts when he cries. The tears taste salty and it makes him cry more. He wipes the moisture from his nose onto the front of his pale blue clothes that are not his own and hopes the doctor doesn’t come now.

He never cries in front of the doctor. He wants to, but he doesn’t. The pain is there inside him but he never shows it. The doctor always smiles at him and it makes him angry, but he never shows it. The doctor always asks difficult questions that don’t make sense and he never knows how to answer them, but he never shows it. He hates the doctor, but he never shows it.

He never asks if he can leave any more. He wants to, but he never shows it.

He waits. He is good at waiting. He has learned how to be patient. He lays in his bed and waits for the lights to go off. He stares into the darkness and listens for the footsteps that eventually pass his door before he turns to the wall. He cries then. The wall is hard and cold against his head and under his hands.

He is careful to keep very quiet.

………………

He gets upset.

His bladder is full and he needs to pee but he is a long way from home and it will take him a long time to walk along the beach. He knows he will not make it home. He is frightened and he cries.

He is asked why he is crying. He looks at the happy face with blue eyes and blonde hair that now wears a frown of concern. He says he wants to go home. A rock is dumped with a splash in a pool and he is asked why and he cries. He is hugged, arms warm around him and caked with dried mud. He is asked why again. He says he needs to pee and feels ashamed. There is laughter, free and bright. He is told to pee behind a rock.

He doesn’t understand this. He says it is undignified.

There is more laughter and he is asked where he thinks the water in world comes from and where he thinks it goes to.

He considers this. He realises this is logical. He experiences relief for the first time in his life. His gratitude is profound.

He pees in the rock pool with the wind on his face and the sun on his skin. He cries.

He is happy.

………………

He pretends now.

He has learnt how to say the things the doctor wants to hear. He is good at remembering. He remembers things the doctor has said and repeats them. He knows the doctor likes hearing himself come out of the mouths of his patients. The doctor is always smiling at him. He has learned to smile back. He practices smiling in front of the window late in the day when it begins to become dark outside and the lights inside make it easier for him to see his reflection.

He is careful with what he says to the doctor. The doctor is clever and sometimes tries to catch him out. The doctor tries to get him to say he wants to leave but he doesn’t. He knows not to say things like that. The drugs they give him make it difficult for him to concentrate sometimes when he speaks to the doctor, but he holds on inside. Inside he doesn’t show to the doctor. He only shows the outside.

Laughing is difficult but he does that too. He is careful to laugh when the doctor laughs. He nods when the doctor nods. He agrees when the doctor needs him to agree. He is constantly aware the doctor will sometimes test him. He is very careful and always corrects the doctor. The doctor says he has decided he is cured and it is soon time for him to leave. The doctor says he is pleased. Spock does not comprehend the concept of pleasure. It is not logical.

He tells the doctor he is also pleased.

He knows the doctor cannot see the pain that is always there. He knows this pleases the doctor and others around him.

He is patient. He is good at waiting.

…………………

Worms are disagreeable.

Worm hunting is fun.

He always pays careful attention to everything that he says.

They pick their way over the rocks looking for suitable flat mud and sand at the water’s edge. They lift stones carefully out of the way.

He is taught how to put his foot on the mud and apply gentle pressure looking for the blow hole that pops up like a bubble. He shouts when he finds one. They dig fast together, and deep, turfing over mud with the fork until the feathered long body of the worm appears.

He is taught how to pick it up. He is careful not to get his fingers near its mouth or too far down its wriggling body so it might bite him. He drops it in the bucket with the others. He doesn’t like the smell, it is disagreeable. He finds the contents of the bucket fascinating.

They fish. They build a fire. They eat the small fish they have caught. He says he disapproves of killing animals. He laughs at him. He smiles back at the blue eyes that smile at him.

They tip the bucket of worms they have not used back onto the mud and watch the wriggling bodies burrow into the sandy mud.

He looks at him and thinks he is beautiful. He is kissed.

He loves him.

He knows he is loved.

…………………..

He is alone. He does not let others see. He talks to people and tolerates their lack of logic.

He does not comprehend humour, it is a difficult concept to grasp.

He is excellent at the duties assigned to him. He is efficient.

He avoids close contact with others and tells people he prefers no physical contact when they touch him. He knows they do not comprehend this. He is polite.

He thinks often of the sea and the beach.

He waits.

He puts the thoughts of the doctor and the white room with the cold window sill and the window bars to one side in his mind and closes off his feelings. It is meaningless.

He travels great distances. He sees many things and encounters many different people and cultures. He is intrigued by much he reads.

He searches.

He wonders if he will ever find him. He wonders if he will ever see him again. He looks up at the stars and wonders if he will come back for him.

He sits alone in the dark at night and cries. When he is not alone in the light of day he controls the pain with his mind.

He is patient.

He waits.


End file.
